a return shrouded in conspiracy
“History is much more the product of chaos than of conspiracy”
Hola amigos, I know it’s been a second since I rapped at ya but I been busier than an old man with pneumonia constructing two very different headlining sets, waging a war on christmas during the holiday season while suffering from a broad, all encompassing wave of self doubt as well as a very specific smaller wave of self doubt that involved worrying that the penis/vagina euphemism thing that was underway here had run it’s course in terms of readability and not knowing what to do about that since there’s still theoretically a lot to get to.
Whatever. Thanks for bearing with me through my hardships. I promise to never go anywhere again.
Thanks, italics. Let’s begin.
So yeah, I was dealing with some bullshit and it seemed to all erupt at once. Perhaps the universe at large is conspiring against me. In fact, that’s probably what’s happening now that I think about it.
Personally, I don’t know where I fall in terms of the old conspiracy theory belief situation. Maybe I should examine a few of said conspiracy theories. I am pretty sure that in general, I don’t care about them and I think that’s pretty across the board. But let’s go through a couple just to be sure:
The Moon Landing is Fake
Yeah, see? It doesn’t matter. Whether it’s real or not, the moon landing is, to me, a lot like a clip from Dude Perfect, in that my response is “wow, that’s really far. If that’s real, it’s pretty amazing that that happened,” and that’s about it.
The Moon Landing has literally no bearing on anything in my life and if it came out tomorrow that the whole thing was faked, everything else would still be exactly the same as far as I can tell.
I recall that one of the astronauts, I believe it was Neil Armstrong, was confronted by some dude who was in his face talking about how the moon landing was fake and old Neil just punched him square in the nose and dropped him, and I think that’s pretty cool, and it’s just as cool whether or not he was ever on the moon.
I understand why the idea of this conspiracy is a big deal but only in a very puritanical top-line sense. I don’t need to uncover a faked trip to another celestial body to know that I’m being lied to on this one. (MGK voice) Facts.
The earth is flat
I mean, this seems like a LOT of work to lie about, no? Who fucking cares if the earth is flat? It does the part where we stick to it and it feeds us, and that’s really all that a life sustaining planet has to do.
But also, this conspiracy is really dumb for myriad reasons. People started off thinking the earth is flat, right? Okay, so who in the history of thinking of shit was like “I’m going to whip up this super elaborate system based on shit that could easily be construed as witchcraft to convince people the world is a sphere. Why? Pretty much just for fun. Oh, also my friend has a globe factory he’s trying to get off the ground (get it?!). What are globes? Oh, you’ll see soon enough, buddy.”
The legwork that would have to go into faking a spherical earth is unfathomable on its own, but when you factor in that getting people to think that the earth is round when it’s not offers literally no advantages whatsoever, it becomes truly puzzling that there are people who think this is something anyone would ever do.
Listen, if anything didn’t they burn you for saying the earth was round back in the day? No thanks. I think, and I could be wrong here, but I think that the reason people got so amped on the earth being a sphere is because suddenly the laws of physics made a lot of sense or could be imagined and conceptualized and the world somehow had mathematical order all around us. But again, maybe I’m backwards on the whole thing.
Bill Burr said something about this once and to me it’s kinda the last word on the whole flat earth conspiracy: (and as usual I’m paraphrasing wildly): let’s say someone finally breaks me and convinces me the earth is flat, despite the pictures I’ve seen of earth from space, despite everything I’ve ever known. Okay I’m sold. The earth is flat. Now what should I do about it?”
The answer of course is nothing. There’s nothing to do. This shit makes no sense at all. Maybe talking about this is fun? Have fun then I guess. Seems like a fucking waste of energy to me.
JFK (whatever the fuck about him)
He was fucking Marilyn? Who cares?
His son is still alive? Again, so? Only the dumbest people in the world think this and the whole thing is so befuddling and amusing that if it wasn’t part of a larger system of conspiracies that’s tearing families and this country (and indeed in other countries) apart, it would be fuuuuucking hilarious. But as it stands, it’s part of a big dark thing that I barely understand but nonetheless plan mentioning a little later. For now, let’s just say JFK Jr is dead and if you disagree, you’re real dumb.
Kay, glad those are out of the way, because when you say ‘JFK conspiracy’ you’re talking about the assassination, right? I think so. So let’s get in there a little…
Welp, this’ll be quick as I don’t even know what the prevailing conspiracy is anymore and I don’t think a lot of people these days do. It seems like the general idea is that he was killed by the CIA or the Teamsters or Cuba or the KGB, right?
Okay…well, that’s fine but no matter what, we know that Oswald shot him and killed him. The second shooter thing gets a big “so? He already had a dude shooting at his head,” from me. It’s like if you get caught in the rain and then some other shadowy guy comes up and throws a water balloon at you. Yup. Still wet…
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