America's Belated Birthday

‘He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past.’

Happy belated America’s Birthday(tm) everyone, and welcome to another Bad Sandwich Chronicles Beyond Thunderdome where, for the price of a single GOOD sandwich a month, you can read vastly more of this quality content than the freeloaders get. If you like what you read, please consider subscribing. It helps me out more than you know. Anyway, let’s get to it:

America.

What can be said about America that hasn’t been said about Buc Nasty’s suit? It looks bombed out and depleted.

But seriously folks, we live in a great land and here are just a few of the reasons why. Strap in, because we are celebrating God’s favorite country the only way we know how: by puffing up our tits and pretending it’s all good. Let’s get into the groove, shall we?

The best things about america

First up:

Driving

It’s weird. In a lot of countries, even struggling countries, there are trains even in the small towns, as well as trollies and busses and so on and so forth. Not so in America. Why? Well, settle in kids, and I’ll tell you.

Back in the day, all the automakers got together and purchased all of the street rail lines and trollies and stuff in all but the most resistant cities, by which I may even mean just San Francisco (my beloved Chicago, currently a pinnacle of public transportation service and resistance of the federation, fell victim to this. If you walk in front of Wrigley Field you can see where the streetcar tracks used to be).

Why, you ask? Oh, so people would have no choice but to have to buy cars. It’s insidious and cruel free market capitalism at its finest. (USA chant).

The thing is, I’m aware that if you’re in Darfur, you’re not exactly taking the light rail to work every day, but here in America there WAS an infrastructure here that, ya know, existed already which makes this particular attack on the poor and middle class and people who just don’t wanna have cars particularly ear reddening to anyone who cares about shit at large, but anyway…

Driving is as American as an eagle shitting into a hotdog bun smothered in ranch while collecting money from a private prison, or anything else you could possibly imagine. When you think America, ‘open roads’ comes up right near the top of whatever other bullshit crosses your mind. Cars are part of the American identity. For better or for worse (almost certainly for worse) we are married to the automobile, and it’s not like it’s out of nowhere. We’re the birthplace of the car, the traffic light, the interstate and also the Denver boot. We love our cars and we need them to feel truly American.

But let’s get back to infrastructure. Did someone say infrastructure?

infrastructure

America: where the highways are completely fucked, there’s no healthcare or quality public education and everything is generally a nightmare even though we pay socialist grade taxes. Here’s a story. My buddy Paddy was at a cookout watching all the cars going back and forth on the bridge across the Mississippi River. He turned away to get another beer and when he turned back around the bridge was GONE. You probably remember this catastrophic Minnesotan event, and the thing is, it’s the kind of thing that’s about to get vastly more common. You don’t believe me? Just wait and mark these words, folks. I’m not trying to be a soothsayer or anything, but you know this to be true. Anyway.

Let’s continue:

We spend trillions on a cruel and unjustifiable military presence that makes orphans all around the globe faster than Mattel cranks out Buzz Lightyears. We spend billions on a cruel and unjustifiable police state presence in which stormtrooper sentinels rove our cities with the objectively true and fucked up mindframe that we are their enemies and as such they murder and terrorize us thusly. Our government is full of men (almost all men) who are way too rich for what is supposed to be a public service position, but god forbid someone mentions the potholes or an old bridge. You know how your dad died of cancer because he refused to go to the doctor because if he didn’t know his diagnosis it wasn’t real?

that’s America. We will all die in a bridge collapse someday. Remember that you heard it here first.

The food

I’ve had amazing sushi in America. I’ve also had amazing pizza and spectacular Mexican food and on and on and on like this. In America. I’ve never had a good cheeseburger in Japan, Italy or Mexico. You haven’t either, by the way.

Is the food in America a testament to a world gone mad with gluttony? Sure. Is it also the best example of a culinary melting pot that has ever existed and certainly that currently exists on this earth (although, in fairness, Australia has some really wonderful food and a lot of mouth watering varieties therein)? Yes. Yes it is.

This is the country that put a goddamned cheeseburger between 2 donuts. We invented hot wings. We are the only place on earth that does nachos properly. We invented the Blizzard, the Twix, the ham and cheese sandwich, the reuben, chicken nuggets, chicken fried steak, the McDonalds double cheeseburger, and more or less everything else that’s good.

People will tell you that French food is the top notch of haute cuisine, or that going to Thailand unleashes a delight of taste-oriented whimsical joy the likes of which can’t be rivaled, but fuck that. I can get great French AND Thai food in Chicago. Have them make me some hashbrowns and eggs over there. You KNOW they suck, son! You just know. French hashbrowns? Nah. Thai hashbrowns? Impossible. I spend a lot of time dogging the nation of my origin but in this particular category, I’m on the ropes when it comes to shit talking.

We are the best at food. I’ve never gotten a good BLT from even Canada, much less Zimbabwe, and I’ve never gotten a bad BLT in the US. But I’ve gotten serviceable poutine and wonderful Sadza just in my local area. Show me a decent taco on any continent that doesn’t have “America” in its name. I’ll wait.

See what I’m saying, kemosabe? America #1 for food. Hands down. Leave a comment if you’re really this up in arms.

Cops

Ah, we touched on the pigs earlier, but, like actual pigs, it’s important to remember that they’re disgusting and the enemy of the people. Well, regular porcine pigs are probably fine but it’s important to never forget that human pigs hate us. If you think that’s rash language, I think you should probably look at this dichotomy. Let’s start with a joke to keep it light.

Cops stink. That’s it. You know the joke about nazis? Here’s the joke (it’s not funny):

Q: What do you call a regular dude sitting at a table with 9 nazis?

A: A nazi.

You get it. Even if you know a cop who is not bad, even if you know one that’s good, they’re still a cop, complicit in the dismantling of social justice, perpetrators of unbelievable systematic violence and if you can sit at the table with a pig (so to speak) you are a pig. That’s it. Fuck a good pig with a badge. There isn’t one.

There’s not really a lot of wiggle room here. The cops are straight up enemies of the people and they know it and revel in it and want to make sure you know it especially if you’re brown.

I wish, I do, y’all, that there was a responsible law enforcement brigade that would make me feel safer. There’s not. there’s nothing but a Bunch of doped up 5’6” white ghetto assholes with something to prove, decked out in Voltron style armor hassling 8 year olds because they’re a little too aggressive with their gatorade bottles and white moms are getting nervous.

This is, I hope I don’t need to mention, a feature of totalitarianism, not America, but we seem to do it the best. So here we are.

In summary, fuck the police, kids. What’s next?

Prison!

Ah, where the cops put you! Stop two. Now, full transparency, I have never been to prison. I hope never to go, but I know that it’s a good place to learn how to turn an orange and a juice box and a slice of rye bread into some kind of booze adjacent thing. I know it’s a great place for butt stuff if you’re into butt stuff (it’s my understanding that if you’re not into butt stuff that it’s a very bad place to be!). Also, as far as I’ve learned, you’re surrounded by prison screws who make the outside pigs look like humanitarians.

Being a prison screw is (no offense to you personally) the lowest fucking thing you can be. Our country incarcerates more people than China, not per capita, literal numbers. That is insane. You wanna be part of that? Bye. I don’t like you. Sorry you’re such a dickless turd. Let’s move on. This one is making me angry.

The illusion of democracy

Eh. I wrote this list headlines a while ago and now i’m just catching up on what they are.

What did I mean by this one? Who fucking cares. We all know it’s a farce. Even idiots say shit like “both these idiots do the same thing” which to me is about the most moronic sounding thing that anyone can say. It’s right up there with getting loud at the bar and being like “Yo, when the sun is up, it’s a whole shit ton brighter than when the moon is up” and acting like it’s a profoundly defining statement.

When Bernie got dislodged in 2020 I finally saw for sure what was up. The republicans are the second tier and they do the dirty work while the Dems are running everything and they get the money from people who wish that the side of justice* *(not actually justice) could win and/or be effective.

One dragon, two heads. I know I sound like a maniac, but it’s truly maniac shit that got us here. I know. I know. Let’s move on. It’s already two days after the fourth.

Insurance

This is a great GREAT addition to society. To be clear, I pay enough taxes that I (not particularly rich) have to write checks with a lot of numbers on them that effortlessly supply the government with machines that airplanes can land on (or airplanes!) (or missiles!) or whatever the fuck it is. I am staunchly anti war and that does not make me happy and it is not the way that I feel like my livelihood should be funneled.

Now, I’m no big city sociological anthropologist but it seems to me that the “blowing up brown people” fund COULD easily be used to make US not die. I mean, even without doing the math, it seems like everyone wins, malthusianists notwithstanding.

The fact that we spend more to destroy a mom and her babies in a spot in the world that most of us couldn’t find on a map or name the capitol of is probably fairly indicative of how fucking diseased this whole thing is.

Your daughter, an American, daughter of a taxpayer who has been nothing but law abiding and good, has cancer. Listen to me now: She will die because these dipshits think that that money would be better used killing someone else’s daughter halfway around the world. This isn’t speculative. This isn’t theoretical. this is your country. This is how it really truly is.

Sports

Well, we just have the best sports here in America. The notable exception is the most popular game in the history of the world, which we’re not very good at, but listen up bitch, you want to watch American football? We’re literally the only place to go for that shit.

I don’t know dick about sports. Why did I even make this a header. I hate this segment, sports in general and also myself. In that way I’m a lot like Aaron Hernandez

Music

I know everyone is like ‘yo, BTS is killing it right now’ and I’m not even gonna yell at the cloud and say ‘the fuck?’ but I AM gonna say that our bullshit is still the best bullshit out there.

Diplo (I don’t know what that is) is a thousand times more marketable than whatever BTS is, ditto for that Olivia Rodrigo and Miley and just….listen, I am aware that China and by proxy Asia is stepping up to slap the dick out of the western world’s mouth in a kinda macro sense in anticipation of the next century, but yo, it’s not happening just yet.

This is neither here nor there, but ya know how Russia and China are where all the piracy sites are housed? It has been posited to me (and I have believed it) that it’s because all we have left in the US is intellectual property and that by hosting piracy sites these enemies of America [of which China and Russia undeniably are] are undermining our economy in the most effective possible way and uh…that sounds like it makes sense to me).

Anyway, I mean, there are probably more people in China who have never even seen a TV than there are people in America altogether. We’re absolutely doomed. they say if the Chinese nationals marched past you six wide that it wouldn't ever end based on the repopulation level.

Go ahead and fight that shit. I’m out.

Movies

Pretty much the same thing, but this one is weirder because we actually make great movies but so does everyone else. I mean, Italy, china, Japan, Ukraine, Mexico, (whatever…you get the idea) make amazing movies. None of them have made ghostbusters but none of them have made Kazaam either.

there’s not a ton to add here. We used to make good movies. Now we only make super hero movies. The world will destroy us on this metric but it’ll take a second.

That said, even our porn is tame compared to what’s coming out of the Czech Republic and probably Belarus or something. I dunno. My heart is pure.

You heard it here first (not the porn thing…the ‘we’re doomed’ thing).

Morans 

If you’re still reading this, you’re probably not a complete moran, since you can actually read. But if you’re an American, you’re dealing with some morans on a constant basis.

You know them. They won’t move. They won’t wear a mask. they think it’s their right to yell at someone else about being a leech on society while at the same time taking medicare checks or unemployment. They’re not vaccinated and fuck you if you wanna talk to them about it. They’re overtly racist. they think it’s fine that weird hicks ran a bunch of pigs around that mosque in Kansas in what can VERY POLITELY be described as an uncool publicity stunt.

Opinions? Oh lord they have these. Degrees? No. A Facebook bio that says they went to the school of hard knocks? Yes. Have they read a book? Yes. Have they read a book without Garfield (the cat not the president) in it? Oh heavens no.

This is your America. We do have the smartest, funniest, most beautiful people in the world here, but we also have these goddamn morans and they’re everywhere and they’re louder than the pure ones and that’s why, dear sweet love, it’s our job to be extra vigilant, to make sure our kids know right from wrong, responsibility from blatant assholery, love from emotional fracking, being true to yourself vs being true to something that, it turns out, is not worth having fealty for. This is our only mission.

This is America. It’s racist, it’s sexist, it’s fucked up and we are in it together and we can love it while we fix it. Nothing has ever been accomplished by hate.

Sheeeeit. Even the holocaust, very hate fueled, ended before it was supposed to, y’all. Okay…Ah. No. Okay. uh. What I mean is…

Aaaaahhhh Thanks for reading y’all! Comment or subscribe. Love y’all!