Excerpt from 2020 best of

there is no future

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Wow! It’s been a hell of a year, am I right? Between that whole thing where someone said something unnecessarily mean about Billie Eilish’s body all the way to the founding of this very newsletter, it’s truly been a roller coaster of a calendar cycle. 

With that in mind, let’s do a little looking back, but let’s do it in a way that unnecessarily elevates things that really only exemplify my own capricious tastes and that which I’d like to write about, all while treating it as though it’s in some way a remotely definitive list. Cool? Cool. 

Now I don’t know at all if anyone else’s websites are doing what I’d like to call “best of” lists to kinda round up the year, but I thought it would be a fun little experiment. Maybe it’ll catch on or maybe this will just look as crazy as Tiger King when we look back on 2020. Who really knows? 

Anyway, let’s get to it. 

The Definitive Best of 2020 List:

Best global pandemic-The Novel Coronavirus

There were a lot of good contestants out there but in 2020 there was one pandemic that really, truly rose head and shoulders above the rest: COVID-19, named after the Cooperative Video Solutions startup which was founded by a pair of scrappy 19 year olds. Whether you were hanging out in a waist high pool of piss and semen in the Ozarks, attending a Smashmouth show, struggling to breathe your dying breath as you badmouthed a nurse for telling you that this is a real and very deadly disease or just flipping over end cap displays at the local Trader Joes when someone told you to put on a mask, it seems like Covid was EVERYWHERE in 2020. 

COVID has been called a lot of things: a hoax, the China virus, the kung flu, and a bunch of bullshit, but not by people who aren’t idiots and/or assholes. 

Anyway, here’s to you, COVID-19, your novel take on the coronavirus has definitely secured you the top spot in this highly competitive category. On behalf of everyone here at Bad Sandwich Chronicles Beyond Thunderdome, let me just say that we can’t wait to see what you do next. 

Best election-US presidential

2020 was a big election year and no election gripped the nation, nay, the world, like the US presidential election. I know what you’re thinking: who cares? It’s all the same shit! But consider this: this election was so intense that you were feverishly rooting for someone you otherwise hate. That’s what we in show business call high drama. 

This election was so exciting that even now, after the public’s voice has been heard, after the electoral votes have been cast, after 30+ lawsuits have been thrown out of the highest courts in the land, people are pretending it’s still going on. Say what you will about the two headed dragon of American democracy that sucks the marrow from our bones and leaves us to die just so an elite cabal of pedophiles can continue to realize their most twisted and disturbing fantasies, but this election was one for the books, truly. If I know anything about politics, I predict that this landmark election will fix literally everything immediately. 

Best album- Sam Russo Back To the Party

I was gonna do that thing where I named our album (Skeleton Coast by the Lawrence Arms) the best album of the year, but that shit is so tired and lame at this point. I just saw someone do that and I was like “oh, how clever” but in a way that involved rolling my eyes into the back of my head until they came all the way around again. So no. I’m not gonna do that. 

Funny thing about that TLA album, I feel like people liked it, but, according to the music press at large, it’s clearly not as good as the Machine Gun Kelly punk album which, since he’s my brother I can’t be too mad at. But this isn’t about ol’ Machine Gun, nor is it about a bunch of old punks doing something that they’ve done for a long time. It’s about Sam.

Sam had the best album of the year. It’s righteous and singalong and muscly and sweet and really really just so good. Describing music in print is dumb. It’s like narrating porn for the blind or something. Trust me. Go look up the video for “the Window” and tell me that shit isn’t awesome. I dare you.

Best Coked Up Son Of A President-Hunter Biden

It’s not every year that this is a category with a lot of nominees but man, it sure is this year. Don Jr made a hell of an attempt to take this one home between his unhinged speech at the RNC, his unhinged rants on Twitter and his unhinged rants caught on tape, but I prefer the low key dignity of Hunter Biden, paying for his porn, being loved by his dad and doing his drugs in dark hotels like you’re supposed to. 

Best Stupid Fucking Word For Idiots 

Okay, it’s always been my DISTINCT impression that the relationship between someone experienced in a field teaching someone new in said field was that of “mentor-protege.” In fact, I’m almost positive that that’s what it is. However, here in 2020 I’ve heard the word ‘mentee’ more times than I can count. I can tell by…(continued)

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