excerpt from cursin' usa

Written to order by magicians and professional scribes, curses appealed to gods & spirits of the underworld to fix horse races, rig legal proceedings sabotage wrestlers & handicap business competitors

Hola amigos, I know it’s been a second since I rapped at ya but it’s been crazier than a Whitney Houston funeral up in this motherfucker recently and I’m trying to produce quality content here. Thank you for subscribing, and if you don’t, please consider it as it helps me out quite a bit and keeps me from having to go back to the car wash (where I stand out behind it and give hand jobs to various motorists). Anyway, let’s get to it. this one is pretty fun and it’s almost entirely for my subscribers so if you wanna see the rest of this entry and lots more hit that button, yo.

English is the finest language the world has ever known. Is it as lyrical as Italian? No. Is it as cool and staccato as Japanese? Also no. Does it contain the unique percussive beauty of the Khoisan family of languages? Oh, heavens no. English is the best language for one reason and one reason only (what a dumb fucking phrase, by the way) and that’s this: it has something like twice as many words as the next largest linguistic lexicon on earth. 

I have a friend named Rachael and she lives in Australia and she’s a doctor and I believe she’s vegan, so you’re getting the idea, right? There’s a certain kind of Aussie that are very very uh…take no shit when it comes to social justice and have no tolerance for differing attitudes that seem cavemanish, and Rachael is one of them. She’s not shrill and angry, but she has opinions that sometimes hit the Venn sweet spot where reasonable and shrill and angry collide (as even the shrill and angry have reasonable opinions now and then). 

Anyway, we had a conversation a while ago where I espoused this philosophy: namely that English is the best language simply because it has the most words. Her reply was “that’s so racist and jingoistic and completely ignorant of the wealth of beauty that each language provides and provokes and how dare you!” (essentially, but more eloquent…she’s very sweet and polite but there’s no doubt she was unhappy with my proclamation). 

My reply was thus: ultimately, language, no matter what it sounds like, no matter what its limitations or implications are, is a tool. It is a tool for communicating. If English has the most words, that means it’s the most sophisticated tool for communicating (jingoism notwithstanding), ergo, it’s the best language. That’s the whole argument.

A beautiful hammer that can’t pound nails well isn’t the best hammer. A whimsical screwdriver that doesn’t work like any other screwdriver but has limitations based on screw size…not the best screwdriver. Tools are here to do their jobs and the more ubiquitous and qualified they are to take on whatever job they may have, the better they are at being said tool.

With that being said, Rachael is wrong and English is the best language. It is decided. Is it the most beautiful sounding language? Nah. Is it the coolest language? Actually yes, because hip hop in any language other than English sounds pretty hilarious, and hip hop, as we know, is the language of the future, of the kids, of vectron and beyond. 

And, besides hiphop and the dead art of rock and roll, no place is English more primed to shine than when it comes to profanity, so strap in, boys, girls, others and rather not says, and let’s run down the curse words that make America great. 

fucker

Fucker is one of two things: it’s either what you call someone you really don’t mind when they get something over on you (Gordon took my seat in the last limo, that fucker) or something you call someone you absolutely despise (as in ‘that fucker ripped off my mom for thousands of dollars and I wanna peel their face off and piss in their skull via the eyesockets’). 

That being said, fucker is what you call someone you don’t really feel strongly enough to call anything else, or something you don’t even realize you’re dropping into an invective laced tirade about someone you totally hate. It’s never the main part of the sentence. It’s a good utility word that can be endearing or incisive but it ain’t a super big deal one way or the other. 

shithead

This one is just funny. It’s dismissive if you’re calling someone you don’t particularly care for a shithead, and if you’re talking about your friend and you say something like “yeah, Glen totally walked through the picture window at Wayne’s parents’ house. What a shithead.” 

Shithead is almost a term of endearment sometimes. It’s a very casual insult that doesn’t really sting or imply any overt malice. It’s not kind, per se, but if you’re gonna get called anything, you could do worse than shithead. '

the main implication of shithead is that you did something kind of stupid or just kind of stupidly ended up in a situation, ya fuckin dumb shithead. You get the idea. At the end of the day, Shithead just kinda means “wake up buddy,” give or take. It can also be used more rudely while driving, but it still means the same thing. “(loud and indignant) That dumb shithead almost ran me off the road” for example.

motherfucker

Not kind. Always a little bit acerbic but also can be very funny. this is the basis of every single Quentin tarrintino script ever (alongside the regrettable N bomb that he seems to just feel super awesome for having the ‘courage’ to use [Django…

Well, that’s it for the excerpt, y’all. thanks for stopping by and if you’re liking what you read, subscribe. This particular issue is a pretty comprehensive deep dive and it’s fun. 

Giddyup and thanks for stopping by.