excerpt from dicks roundup

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Welcome ladies, gentlemen, non binary friends, women who aren’t ladies, men who are when the mood strikes, assorted miscreants, perverts and drunk people who thought this was a place to get a sandwich for cheap. This is Bad Sandwich Chronicles Beyond Thunderdome and if you’re here, you’re family. That being said, if you’d like to get the full experience, please consider subscribing. For less than the price of a single cocktail a month you can see 100% of the sterling content that this wonderful newsletter has become known for.

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Important note: Key: 3=====D = a dick

Dicks: They’re everywhere. People since time immemorial have called bread ‘the staff of life’ but we know that it’s actually dicks. Dicks are that fount from which all of us have burst forth, whether we be tall, small, black, white, a horse, a guy whose first name is Kristen, or even the ancient wooly mammoth. Pretty much all of us mammals are the product of dicks.

Dicks are also the root of all evil. How many wars have been started by dudes who wanted to put their dicks where they don’t belong? The answer is all of them. How many times has your dick gotten you into trouble (answer: many many times) or, if you’re not one of our bedicked readers, how many times has someone else’s dick at the very least threatened a great deal of trouble (answer: many many times)?

The truth is, the dick giveth and the dick taketh away, and it’s probably not a stretch to say that much like god, Tucker Carlson and this dude Jackal I used to know, dicks are, for the most part, total dicks.

With that in mind, this is a round up of dicks, not penises, mind you, but dicks. What category do YOU fit into? Am I missing some key ones? Let me know in the comments please.

Okay, let’s dive in and find out, shall we? First up:

Sports Guys

This one is funny to me because EVERYONE loves sports and loves pro athletes but since the beginning of time, sports guys have been the dicks in movies, tv shows, books, comics, whatever. I’d say it’s probably just that the competitive spirit of athletics is easy for writers to twist into a sort of misanthropy towards the weak, but in my experience, dudes into sports, lots of them were real dicks. One time when I was in high school, my team lurked in a dark locker room then held me down and shaved my head with sheep shears, just for example (my hair was, at the time, down past my shoulders, almost Blue Lagoon length [worth noting, they didn’t get my whole head, but they got enough that I had to finish the job myself which is somehow worse]).

HOWEVER! It seems to me that on the professional level (or adult? I don’t know exactly what these distinctions are when it comes to non athletes) it seems to me like the “jocks” are out there funding schools and youth centers and doing big brother outreach and standing up against bullying and the “nerds” are yelling their asses off and sending bomb threats and SWAT teams to people because someone had the nerve to hire a female gaming journalist or put Loki in the wrong kind of jumpsuit in one of the Avengers movies or whatever.

I suppose there’s a twisted logic to this, which is that if it’s the nerds writing the movies (it is) then their sworn enemies the jocks will get a brutal retribution for that swirly they put our screenwriter through back in the day in the form of their entire culture being demonized on the screen.

That said, nerds shoot jocks in the head in school. Jocks just shave your head. So, um…yeah let’s keep moving.

The truth is, people are people and most people are nice, but the jock/nerd dichotomy is fascinating for its cultural cornerstone status as well as the reasons discussed above.

I give jocks 2 dicks overall. 3=====D 3=====D

Hedge Fund types

This is a shorthand blanket term for investment bankers, private equity puds and so forth. You know the idea: the dudes in movies with slicked back hair. This is them. An ancient cousin to the jocks….no, this isn't quite right. These ARE jocks’ next evolutionary step if they’re bad jocks, as in both not good enough at their sport to make a real go of it and also just generally bad people. They will fuck your grandparents out of their home and savings. They will tank the economy for kicks. they will gleefully fuck your wife. They will dig up the very bedrock that our society is built on with the sole purpose of seeing if they can mine any trace amounts of gold flake that they could maybe use to encrust their lunch filet with.

Now, full disclosure: I know a couple of these guys and they’re really fucking fun to hang out with and they’re really REALLY nice…but they’re really nice TO ME. Why is this? Well, I occupy a low level of celebrity that they seem to like, some of us went to the same college (a thing that these first two groups of dicks [hedge dicks and sport dicks] really care about for some reason I absolutely can’t fathom), and I’ve known a couple of them since we were kids.

That said, I’m only vouching for these specific guys, and in no way do I recommend getting tied up with the rest of these assholes ever for any reason at all, although they probably own your house and retirement fund already so uh…good luck.

Overall: 4 dicks 3=====D 3=====D 3=====D 3=====D

Kid Rock

Heh. Heh. Heheheheheheh. Not really a dick across the board. Has done some cool stuff, especially in terms of giving back to struggling Michigan communities. But still, what a dick. He’s actuallymore of a classic rube than a dick. Like, he’s kinda dumb but he staggered into something ass over nuts and now he fancies himself a no nonsense, tell it like it is subversive political genius, when the truth is he’s just kind of a pud who drinks Jack Daniels, blows lines and drops F-bombs (and come on….you KNOW he’s an N-bomb apologist behind closed doors too) but still, it’s hard to look at him and not be like “bless your stupid little heart.”

In closing: bawitibawitibangbangbawitiabawa dick ranking: one dick 3=D

School bullies

There’s an enduring fallacy that these dicks are more bulled than you are, but that’s never held up to any critical research I’ve done in my 44 years as a victim of bullying, an aloof onlooker, as a Glass Joe level bully in social situations (just in that I’d laugh at people for saying stupid shit…I never lit someone’s shirt on fire or anything), and finally as a father who really doesn’t want his children to be bullied.

I concede that I used to be a low level dick, but people change and actually a lot of the people that were bullies that I’ve met in the time since I knew them to be bullies have developed into deeply apologetic self aware people. Am I one of those people? I hope so but there’s no way I could audit myself on that level with any degree of honesty.

Should be mentioned, and this is a late recognized CRUCIAL stipulation, I’m coming at this from a perspective of someone who never had to deal with race based bullying or being gay or trans or fat or anything like that, and that kind of shit kinda spoils the whole pool for all the bullies, even the casual ones like me.

Final result: school bullies contribute to young easily fucked with people harming and sometimes killing themselves so um, kinda the worst.

Full amount of dicks: 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D 3=D

Dads

Like school bullies, potentially destructive in terms of a young person’s…

That’s it folks. Subscribe to get the rest of this very in depth long hard deep plunge into various dicks. Hope you enjoyed this bit. Thank you for coming xoxoxo