Halloween!

I hack the heads off little girls and I hang em on my wall

This one is free, in the spirt of the season. If you can, pls subscribe. it helps me immensely. Thank you! 

Halloween is upon us like that creep in the bushes wearing the dead skin mask is about to be all up on our children and ghouls everywhere are prepping for a big night of putting razor blades in apples and abducting small witches and minions to presumably put in sex boxes or whatever. It’s not really my scene so I don’t know what happens after the abduction part.

Anyway…

Halloween is a funny holiday because it’s the only one that’s cool, BUT, because of that, it’s the kind of thing that taste-free dorks latch onto as an identity because it’s ‘cool,’ much in the same way that dorks who have no musical taste tend to default to the blues and dorks who don’t know what to do with their hands play pool. These are dork things that only little kids and people with no taste think are cool (I’m not totally lumping halloween in this category, but being really really into halloween…it’s a little much).

Consider this: the three tenors are cooler than Stevie ray vaughn by a country mile, and fucking ping pong is cooler than pool. No one has ever looked cool playing a saxophone except for old ass black dudes in subway stations and there’s nothing inherently interesting about being one of those “holy shit, I can’t wait for halloween” dorks drinking your jack o lantern beer and walking around twelve days early in your Harley Quinn costume.

Casually attaching yourself to something isn’t a personality, it’s just something you like. Unless it’s like, heroin, in which case, I’ll concede that that’s totally a personality. But heroin is a lifestyle. The blues are just for the end credits of Michael Keaton movies and halloween is one lone day where you dress up like a kid and give away candy. That’s all. 

Jesus. I’m getting all fired up here. Listen, if that’s all you have, that’s all you have. Who am I to judge ya, right? And halloween is fun. And I already said it’s a cool holiday, it’s the only cool holiday.

I know some people love Christmas (not for me) or thanksgiving (absolutely terrible) or the fourth of July (much like halloween in that it attracts dipshits with no taste and becomes their identity but in the case of the fourth, there’s a weird ass jingoism interwoven into the whole thing). What else? Valentines day? Puh-lease. St. Patrick’s day? exclusively for assholes. Easter is stupid and makes no fucking sense and it just sends chills down my spine thinking of how long the church services were every Easter Sunday back before I killed god forever.

What else is there? Casimir Pulaski day (admittedly pretty dope and as far as I know exclusive to Chicago [which is the only reason I like it]), flag day? Not even nationalist dipshits give a fuck about flag day. Um…I’m running out of holidays here. President’s day: a celebration of assholes, ditto for Columbus Day (though the indigenous peoples day juke is a nice [if totally condescending] concession by our focus grouped overlords).

MLK day is actually really cool for several reasons, as is Juneteenth, and I lump these together only because the thing that makes them cool is that they piss off all the right people but they ain’t as cool as halloween, son. Halloween is the only truly, truly dyed in the wool cool holiday. The rest are, with a few exceptions, as outlined above, trash. 

Funny thing about halloween: according to Redfin, the neighborhood I live in is the most trick or treated little zone on earth, and we live on the corner you first encounter as you enter said neighborhood. Therefore it is not a stretch to imagine that this house that I’m sitting in right now is the most trick or treated house in the whole world. I’m not saying it is, but at the very least it’s up there. 

To give you some kind of idea of what I mean, you know those bags of mini candy bars or whatever that you buy to give out for halloween? Those bags go from the ones that most people buy (50 pieces) to the huge ones (150 pieces) and before the pandemic we were giving away multiple thousands of pieces each halloween. 

One halloween I was sitting out with my homie Marti and my father in law and we were handing out candy and I decided to have a beer (I had been on the wagon for a couple weeks so it was a very exciting beer) and in the 2 hours I sat out there, all three of us were double fisting candy handouts at top speed to the point that when I finally relinquished my post I had not had time to have even one sip of said beer. 

My neighbors have a band that plays on the lawn all night. Do they play Monster Mash like 11 times? They do. Are they great? Eh…yes. Kind of.

It’s a pretty singular experience and they’re actually a pretty good band. I don’t think they harbor any illusions about getting out of the dad band circuit, in fact, I am nigh positive that the only show they play is the halloween show in the yard, and it’s pretty great all things considered (they’re dads, they’re in a yard, they play one a year, they play monster mash a lot).

Elsewhere in the hood, people turn their garages, and in some cases, their whole houses into haunted houses to tour through. Currently there’s a house down the block that has been being assaulted by such realistic looking zombies that even though I saw the installation being put up, I still do a double take every single time I pass by, and I pass by this horror show every goddamn day. 

Point is, this zone is halloween central and while I’m more of a “um, what’s in my closet at the very last minute” type of halloween prepper, I do appreciate all these folks who go above and beyond to make this a pretty magical place for people to come trick or treat. In fact, people take tour busses into my neighborhood for halloween. it’s, no shit, really wild. Especially if you’re not American (if you’re not American you will be completely flabbergasted by what a production this whole thing is [I know this from experience hosting foreign nationals over halloween, so don’t think i’m just being some kind of ugly American here]), but for the most part even if you are, you’ll be blown away by the complete insanity that is halloween up around my crib. 

If you’re coming to our party, which we have every year (for this very reason), you gotta bring at least one bag of candy to get in. That’s the door fee. OR, if that’s too steep a door price, you can go with just bringing some razor blades or drugs to sneak into the candy before we pass it out.

Funny aside: You know how many times this terrorist act has been carried out since the beginning of halloween? Zero times. This has never happened.

We’ve discussed this before but people don’t just give away drugs. Drugs are expensive. And the way sadists and perverts think, the notion of doing something that perhaps will happen but that they’ll never see is likewise a complete non starter. This is, like most panics, concocted by the true perverts, who are almost to the last uptight closeted protestants. 

In fact, did you know that the pigs did a series of interviews where they asked busted abducted pedophiles about snatching kids on halloween and to the last the pedos were like “WHAT? On a night where all the parents are out and everyone is everywhere? No fucking way” (I’m paraphrasing of course). So the results are that despite the rampant fear of your little baby boy in a honey boo boo costume being abducted, halloween is actually statistically the LEAST likely day for your child to get abducted. 

Crazy world, right? 

Anyway, what are the costumes gonna be this year?

Trump

Jesus fucking christ. You’re so lame. I don’t care what side of the aisle you’re on, if this is your costume you’re a fucking dildo. You’re completely insufferable in every way. If you see someone dressed as trump I don’t care if it’s something ‘clever’ like a ‘trump card’ (more on this type of bullshit soon) or zombie don or king trump or trump in jail, whatever…it’s all so insufferable. You’re a shithead. I apologize to you personally, guy who’s reading this and now has to get a new costume because your lameness has become obvious to you. 

Zombie Biden

Just as fucking dumb. And no one is being Biden without being zombie Biden because that’s the only Biden that exists. Doing this is an exercise in having literally no creativity but patting yourself on the back for really nailing it.

You’re. A. Dork. That is all I have to say about this. Bare minimum thinking gives you and your moron friends a boner and it’s truly sad. this is a sad costume for sad people who don’t even know how sad it is. 

Covid 19

Ew. I mean, I love the total brash disrespect of this costume, but it’s so fucking obvious and for what? I don't feel like anyone’s gonna be like “GODDAMNIT MY WIFE DIED OF THE NOVEL CORONAVIRUS YOU MONSTER!”

Nah, it’s gonna be more like “look at this attention seeking asshole over here thinking he’s being subversive as though there aren’t nineteen other COVID costumes in this bar right now. 

Neat. Nothing lamer than being part of the uniform army of insurgents. Just listen to that band Disturbed if you don’t believe me. 

What did Dillinger four say about this type of shit? “They’re out being individuals like all of their friends are.” Something like that. Google is being remarkably unhelpful here. Anyway, you get the idea. Speaking of…

Squid Game

Of course you’re Squid Game. So, I haven’t watched the show but I HAVE watched the AMAZING (best in years!) SNL skit (I am as surprised as you about this shout out).

That being said, opportunism is great when it comes to Halloween but you’re kinda doing that thing that the Squid Game was forecasting: everyone is a Squid Game contestant or a guard. You think those top three costumes up there were obvious? This one wins the squid game as most obvious costume this halloween. 

Some clever bullshit

You know that dipshit friend of yours who thinks they’re super clever because they’re “French Kiss” and they’ve got Paul Stanley makeup on but they’re wearing a beret and carrying a baguette or they’re John Snow White or some such dumb shit? Fuck this entirely. If you have to explain your art, it sucks. And make no mistake, costuming is an art. Just because its you doing it to yourself doesn’t make it less of an art. It just often makes for bad art. 

This shit is stupid. Nobody is gonna look at you and be like OH! You’re John Wilkes Tollbooth! I get it immediately.” You’re bumming everyone out and being smug at the same time. Gross. 

a banana/hotdog

Literally nothing wrong with this. Perfect costumes. If you don’t get laid in one of these costumes, you sincerely must be the biggest dingus to ever ding. I would wear either of these every day if THE MAN wasn’t cramming himself all the way up my ass to conform. 

a ghost

How can you fuck with a ghost? Well, turn the sheet around on em at the party and watch em go blind is one way. But for real, this is the ultimate classic: a sheet, two holes boom. My daughter and her best friend are ghosts this year. See for yourself. Shit’s dope, right? 

In short, radical costume and these are two of the coolest ladies I’ll ever know. 

the devil

there are lots of ways to play this one. You can be the red devil, the goateed devil, the baphomet/Beelzebub goathead, you can be just in a dapper suit with a red shirt and black tie like some kind of pop punk/emo dipshit in a band that ripped off alkaline trio back in the early 2000s (you know who I mean [but to be fair, I think the trio actually ripped off ink and dagger so where does it end?]).

the thing is, you can’t go wrong with the devil, as long as you’re not like “devil trump” or “devil Biden” or something because that is baldly pathetic and obnoxious. 

In short, the devil, good costume. Were I to do it, I think I’d slick my hair back and cut my beard into a point and wear red lipstick and a suit with a red shirt and completely become dave Navarro, who, make no mistake, sucks at literally everything he does. Anyway, moving on…

slutty whatever

I mean, how can you be mad at this? You wanna be a slutty squidward from sponge bob or a slutty Ruth Bader Ginsberg or a slutty washing machine or a slutty concept of time as a flat circle or whatever, I ain’t mad atcha. You’re doing the lord’s work. I don't care how you look (I despise the notion that only traditionally ‘beautiful’ women can dress provocatively) if you’re feeling yourself and you’re a sexy slimer from ghostbusters, i’m on your team. Get out there gurl. get that slime everywhere. Ew. Grosser than I expected it to sound. Anyway, in closing, slutty costumes, always great even if they’re often hijacked by fucking terrible people. 

Some historical thing no one will understand

actually, I’m the Louisiana Purchase/I’m William Seward, Andrew Johnson’s secretary of state. Who fucking cares. Oooooh, you read some shit? Neat. I don’t need you running down the ins and outs of 1896 beltway politics in order to understand your costume. In fact I’d rather not. I find this kind of thing to be somehow even MORE obnoxious than the clever costume. This is the kind of shit that’s only done by skinny ass dudes with lots of veins and slightly chubby women, of which both types smell like old books (and I mean that as an insult). 

Get fucked Andrew Johnson’s secretary of state William Seward. Get back at me when you’re dressed as the Missouri Compromise. 

hippy

Your funeral. You wear this and you look like an asshole. Talk to literally any woman you know who has done this for halloween, and they’ll tell you that it’s a shitty nightmare that you can’t easily recover from. 

My own wife gets a look in her eyes like she was in Vietnam and watching her friends die face down in the muck when she describes the horror of being mistreated and demoralized when she went out during college dressed as a hippy on halloween. 

Don’t do this shit to yourself, kids. Plus, hippies are fucking lame. they deserve shame. 

goth

One year, I did a goth costume that was insane: buzz cut dyed electric blue, corpse paint, black eyes smeared down, black lips, a skin tight black tee shirt (I used to be beautiful, you assholes) and fishnets down my arms and on my legs, an armband, a vinyl miniskirt, fingerless gloves, and the coup for the costume, my snowboard boots that happened to be black and purple.

When I showed up at the less than jake show, everyone was like “YO! That’s an AMAZING costume!” but when I somehow was convinced to go to a party in wicker park, I could hear everyone going “Yo, who invited the goth dipshit?”

Don’t do this either unless you know who your friends are, folks. 

Love you all. happy halloween. Please subscribe or comment if you like what you’ve read here. it keeps my children’s carafes of wine full. thank you so much.