Penises and Vaginas, complete rundown episode 1 (or: the alphabetical penis compendium A-J: a complementary intro)

"Pissing a few moments ago I looked down at my penis affectionately. Knowing it has been inside you twice today makes me feel beautiful"

Hola amigos, I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya but I been busier than a party planner in Ireland recently. This lovely edition of Bad Sandwich Chronicles Beyond Thunderdome should be just what you’ve all been waiting for though. Let’s get right to it. If you haven’t subscribed yet, and how could you possibly have resisted this long (??) (especially after today’s amazing entry), please consider subscribing. The money I make from this goes directly towards paying other kids to pretend my kids are cool at school and around the neighborhood. You don’t wanna break their little hearts, do you? Of course you don’t. Here’s an extremely easy way for you to help these innocent little souls feel loved.

Anyway, let’s get on with it, eh?

You know what? I was maybe considering writing about the queen dying (ed note: wow, this entry took a long ass time!), but it seemed boring to me, and my thought process was that therefore it would have been boring to you too so I scrapped it.

I feel like plenty of people have done a lot of writing about the queen dying already, and the only thing I really have goin for me is that she died on my birthday. PLUS, I started writing and immediately went into the whole thing about how of COURSE she was taught by her dad how to seig heil, probably because of the royal family/nazi shared notions of bloodline purity and being chosen by god to lead the unwashed hordes to glory and on and on like this.

Anyway, besides me realizing almost immediately that I was talking out of my ass, I also realized that the whole thing was just, indeed, boring. It was even more boring than this current paragraph you’re reading is, and that’s really saying something.

Welp, I deleted it and now I’m gonna write about something way more fun. Ready? Good.

Okay, this question was recently posed to me: What’s got more slang terms, the penis or the vagina? As a person who uses a lot of slang and also uses a lot of these types of slang terms, my very intelligent friend likely suspected I would know the answer off the top of my head. However, it pains me to say I did not.

I went through a few of the good ones but I quickly realized that no matter how many I was able to pump out, I was really just playing ‘just the tip’ when you consider the garden of grammatical delights hiding below the surface of the undulating ocean that is penis and vagina slang, so to speak.

Simply counting all the euphemisms and pronouncing a winner seems completely impossible because there’s likely no real completist list for either, so instead of that, I’m gonna just do a bit of a rundown of a bunch and parse the nuances of each different synonym. This promises to be the work I will be forever remembered for.

I wanted to use a pretty official source for this, but the regular old thesaurus dot com didn’t have very many synonyms for either, online dictionaries are a bit of a pain in the ass for this kind of project and something called “power thesaurus” required me to join and pay for the pleasure of going through their 494 different words for penis (too many to deal with in a respectable article such as this one) so I ended up going with thought catalog, which seems like a boring hipster way to do this but for one thing, I’m too old to be considered anything close to hip and for another, it just so happens that thought catalog features great, easy to use and complete enough lists for both of the main human genitalia types.

So let’s get to it. Oh, and just for the record, the penis list on TC featured 151 synonyms, while the TC list for vaginas featured only 64 so, while that’s no answer in terms of the sheer quantity at large, it’s the best I’m gonna do right now. This is about something else anyway at this point.

Let’s go:

Penis: We’ll start with the one your mom says before we dive in here. Penis is a funny thing to call your dick and a really REALLY funny thing to call someone else. “Jesus, that guy’s a total penis” really sums up that said guy is some version of irritating, wimpy and vaguely gross in a non threatening way. I’m gonna have to keep most of these pretty short if i’m ever gonna get through them all, but penis, I mean, it’s great. Try saying it during sex for a real wild ride. “yeah, baby. You like how my penis feels?” will almost certainly result in an explosion of passion that will require cleanup and not at all end up as something she tells all her friends you said and cites as a reason for never seeing you again.

1. Anaconda

This is the first of what are gonna be several (I assume) euphemisms that people don’t really say, but this one is fine because Sir Mix A Lot and later Nicki Minaj have brought it to the forefront of pop culture dong term slinging. A large penis, reminiscent of the largest snakes on earth. Perhaps with a child inside it HAHAHA!

I mean, you know how anacondas swallow gigantic things, sometimes whole people, and you can see its outline in its body? But yo, also dicks have semen that makes children kinda in em (I don’t know if we’re counting dick and balls as…well, clearly we aren’t counting everything as the dick. That’s why the phrase dick and balls exists. Anyway, good joke. At least it was a valiant attempt…nothing is better than explaining jokes, for real, it’s a gas. Try it sometime.

2. Baloney pony

Said exclusively by dorks and only in the context of “gonna ride/they rode the_______.” Much less funny than the person saying it thinks it is.

3. Birdie

Yo, what? I don’t think this is a thing, but I don’t hate it. Birdie. “Nice birdie” you may say with a smile to the guy next to you at the urinals. That guy will react in a passionate way, guaranteed.

4. Bobby

Again, not mad at it but who says this. this is a slang for cops in England. And cops are dicks. That’s probably what’s up here.

5. Boonga

Never heard it, but a little bit of personal soul searching tells me that this is for dorks and people with kids around them when they just HAVE to finish this story involving their schlong somehow.

6. Cack

Used by completely unfunny dipshits to approximate some accent that they think they’re nailing but which in reality doesn’t exist. For example, they think they’re doin cock in a New York or Boston but they’re not. That’s more like “Cawck” (I’m no good at doing that pronunciation guide in print thing, obviously).

CACK is actually kinda close to a Chicago accent, but that’s not really what these dorks are going for in my experience. It’s hasty, done for a laugh and it weeds out the lame-o’s.

7. Choad

Not a dick. The space between your balls and your asshole. If balls aren’t even dick, choad is DEFINITELY not dick.

8. Choda

See “Choad.” Regional variant

9. Chode

See “Choda”

10. Chopper

Never heard it but I think it would be real funny to say. “Caught my chopper in my zipper this morning” would probably get a laugh on your morning zoom call, right? I like this one

11. Cock

The go to one for porn and dirty talk and it’s generally good, but it’s a little gross when a dude just refers to a dick as a cock casually. “So I get out my cock to piss” or “so the doctor is looking at this weird thing on my cock” is a little more intimate than I wanna get with you, storytelling guy. Also, cock implies that you’re kinda packing. Though it’s not unusual to hear about a tiny cock, which still is a little weird to me. Keep it in the bedroom or the car or the woods or the bathroom or your basement or the hotel or wherever you like to do things that involves cock stuff. I don’t need to hear about how a kid threw a baseball at your cock.

12. Crank

Totally great. Old man that works with his hands kinda term. I love it. “Eh, Tommy’s a good kid. He can fix the shit outa them foreign cars but he’s always out there with the broads, just thinking with his crank.” Good stuff.

13. Custard launcher

A) Could you be more of a dork please?

B) gross

C) nice attempt

14. Dick

I mean, come on. This is the guy. The champ. Old reliable. Dick, in short, is amazing. It’s ubiquitous, it’s got a great sonic crack to it, it’s a NAME! (and in my opinion, the best name), it’s an insult that means jerk, but it can be applied lovingly (“I love that guy, he’s such a dick, but in an amazing way”) and generally it’s the best euphemism for penis out there. Like McDonalds and Kalishnikov , it’s number one for a reason, folks.

15. Dicklet

This adorable little thing that no one ever says probably means a small dick and I don’t respect this dumb bullshit word enough to give it any more thought than that. I suppose when wielded properly it could be a pretty intense insult, but it’s useless coming out of most people’s mouths. In fact, I can’t think of how you’d even say it. “That’s more of a dicklet than an actual dick” just kinda makes you sound like a dick. I dunno. See, I’ve already thought about this one too much. NEXT!

16. Diddly

I give it props for the Ned Flanders-adjacent qualities, but this to me is more like something that a really annoying really skinny white woman says around and to her children when referring to penises. “Traxton, put your diddly back in your pants please” she cries across the discount rack at Lulu Lemon, effortlessly notifying the whole store that she’s bad at sex

17. Dingaling

Love it. Dingaling is not only what you call someone who just fucked something up due to spacing out, but it’s the main word in a great song popularized by Chuck Berry and a terrific and lovable way to talk about your cock (see how gross that word is when it’s not supposed to be sexy?) Anyway, dingaling is great. It’s almost as good as…

18. Ding-a-ling

Um, hey list makers, is this kind of hair splitting really what this list was going for? Just like dingaling but with two hyphens. Neat differentiation.

19. Ding-dong

I don’t think anyone really says this but when I see it written down or typed out I picture some kid in the 1950’s with bryllcreem in his hair sitting on a curb in shorts playing with a dog with one spot over the eye talking to his buddy about boy stuff. Ya know, shit like “does it ever feel real wild in your ding-dong when your dad drives the car over a little hump in the road real fast?” Things of that nature.

20. Dinger

This, as far as I know, is a term for a home run, which is also a term for sex so in that regard this holds up to scrutiny, but what stupid scrutiny is is. This word, like so many right here on this alphabetical list in the D section are all just inferior versions of dick. People took the DI and implied that no matter what you put after DI it would conjure dick. There is a glut of these stupid words.

21. Dingle

See?

22. Dingus

This is a good word and in my personal lexicography it means a person who is not purposely shitty and who is too dumb to realize that all the pleasantness doesn’t disguise that they’re being lame, because they don’t realize they’re shitty because, again, they’re just dumb and they think only of making their way through life and don’t even notice that they’re fucking things up for the rest of us, since just being them is task enough, apparently.

Dinguses are harmless and dumb and oblivious. They’re not dicks. They’re people (almost always men). Dingus is also what your older brother calls you in front of your mom when you’re not listening or you fuck something up. So that’s cool.

23. Dingy

Absolutely not. This is a misspelling of a word for a small boat or its the word that rhymes with Benji, and I don’t think it’s the second one. Boat is not penis. Boat is vessel. the ONLY reason this is on this list is because of the DI at the beginning (see dinger)

24. Dink

This is one that I feel like fictional characters say on TV shows. It also implies a certain lacking, sizewise but hey, whatever you got goin on is just fine with ol’ Mikey Che, ya know? As long as you keep your dink in your pants until it’s asked for.

25. Dinkle

A family that owns a bakery in Chicago that I used to always want something out of.

26. Dipstick

Eh, this is what dudes in movies about jocks and nerds (or whatever) say when they’re talking about themselves doing sex. They’re almost always embellishing if not fully lying about said sex.

27. Dirk

Nope.

28. Disco stick

In a brief period around the turn of the century, putting ‘disco’ in front of anything (nap, dust, etc) was seen as very chic by people who were almost, but not quite actually cool.

I would lump this into that category while also pointing out that this is cumbersome and stupid and I don’t think people ever said this.

29. Dog bone

Gimme a break. Dog bone? Unless you’re a complete asshole mocking someone for banging a whole bunch of women that you’ve decided are ugly, this is just a ridiculous attempt at a euphemism for dick and if that IS the case, please understand the following: you are a completely shitty person.

30. Dong

Spectacular. Dong is a power player in the dick euphemism game. One of the top 4 in my opinion. Dong implies a heavy, yet desexualized dick. It’s funny, it’s fun to say and it’s great to match with other words to create new insults like dong huffer, dong gargler, and more. The word dong is the dick slang equivalent of the guy that comes out about halfway through the movie and completely changes the game. Once you start saying dong, a veritable garden of delights awaits you, vocab wise. You’re dealing with a top tier word here, folks. Master it and you control the what-you-call-dicks-and-males game.

31. Donger

BZZZZ! I’m afraid not.

32. Donkey Kong

A pixelated ape that has absolutely nothing to do with penises besides the fact that there’s a Donkey Kong Jr. which kind of implies the existence of a pixelated ape dick too.

33. Doodle

Can you doodle a doodle? Can you doodle a doodle there on your Trapper Keeper next to…no you cannot. This is not a word for dick. I don’t care. It’s a word for a stream of consciousness drawing.

34. Dork

Maybe it’s my age but in my youth I definitely heard people say that this was slang for penis. But it’s not. It’s a slang for dorks. You know who you are, you (dork that you are) hear about it all the time.

For the record, ‘dork’ is almost lovable. Dork is not negative but it implies that someone’s general personality style bores you or makes you uneasy with too much enthusiasm about something you really don’t give a shit about. It’s almost a strange and specific synonym for harmless most of the time “oh, Ron? He’s fine. He’s just kind of a dork,” though sometimes its used derisively to call out someone who thinks they’re absolutely KILLING IT. “Oh, Jared Leto? He’s a fuuuuuuuucking DORK” for example.

35. Down

Huh? This is the feathers of a goose, a personal direction, a description of a mood, an affirmative that you’re into something or in the third person, cool with what’s happening “Oh Ron, don’t worry about Ron. He’s down,” a syndrome, a place where you can put money, drinking (or to a lesser extent eating) something quickly, a place you go during oral sex and more. One thing it is not is another word for dick.

36. Fire hose

Jesus Christ. Fire hose? FIRE HOSE? Nah. “I sprayed her with my fire hose!” a fictional badass created by a fucking mouth breathing dork might say. Let’s just leave it at that.

37. Fuckpole

No one says this but it seems like something sophomores in high school talking to 8th graders would say. It gets a little credit for being weirdly super crass and also it’s disgusting. If anyone said fuckpole to me I’d either be disturbed or laughing at (or maybe in a rare occasion with) them, depending on context.

38. Gherkin

a variety or treatment of pickle that has something to do with England or some shit. Used in cocktails? Sounds possible.

I assume when we get to the P section (my favorite), pickle will be on the list. I’m neither looking ahead nor doing any research at all here, if that wasn’t obvious. Equally obvious, why this is a word for dick. Just like a dick but green and with more warts most of the time.

39. Hairy canary

Absolutely not. This is, if anything, a word for a vagina. Birdy was on this list earlier and I guess it’s my take that bird euphemisms just don’t totally work for dicks. Maybe the raptor birds work if you’re a UFC dude calling your dick The Hawk or something (that is if you’re completely unconcerned with personal dignity of any kind) but otherwise this just doesn’t totally add up to me. Sorry, lame nerd that came up with hairy canary, time to go back to the lab.

40. Hammer

As stupid as this one seems, I’ve actually heard this one use this in reference to an apparently very large wang that a friend of mine walks around with, in the following context: “she swallowed the hammer” which sounds painful. This one gets a pass because I’ve literally heard it running live, even though “she swallowed the hammer” is a pretty dorky thing to say, and frankly, though I didn’t know the ‘she’ in question, it seemed like none of my business.

Best part about this one: MC Hammer’s name becomes a lot funnier.

41. Hot rod

Nope. A hot rod is not a penis. A hot rod is what you get when you don’t have a penis. What’s next, motorcycle?

42. Hooter

A single tit. Not a penis.

43. Jade stalk
There’s no fucking way anyone has ever said this when referring to a dick

44. Jamoke

Uh…I don’t think so. This is a word that means someone in over their heads who thinks they’re killing it. It doesn’t mean penis. If you think it does and you use it in said context you’re outing yourself as a penis euphemism jamoke.

45. Jigger

There are certain words out there, completely harmless words that nevertheless make a lot of people very uncomfortable. Retard (emphasis on the second syllable) is one, even though it’s just a harmless term for music slowing down. This is another one for whatever reason.

46. Jimmy

Made famous by rappers in the early 90s talking about their Jimmy Hats (condoms) which, I feel like that term is actually more common than just ‘Jimmy’ meaning dick (even though it’s all part of the same rich tapestry of euphemism).

47. Jock

Weird one. It’s definitely a term for the dick area but your jock is, to me, your jock strap, or the area that gets itchy around the dick, not so much the dick itself. The nerd in me wants to add “and most jocks are dicks so that adds up” but that’s an extremely nerdy thing to say so I’ll just try to figure out a way to say it while at the same time pretending that I’m too clever to stoop to that cheap joke and then if that works I’ll probably try to point out that jocks, particularly high visibility jocks, actually have a pretty good track record for being community focused and kind and shit like that, just in order to not seem like a dork that got picked on too much, but then I’ll probably slip in a line about all the rapes and hazing and shit right before I move on.

48. Johnson

A classic. Come for the t shirt, stay for the part where your dad just had a couple of hard ciders and now he’s trying to talk to you man-to-man.

49. John Thomas

Whaaaat? I do not think this is a thing.

50. Joystick

If you use this word to describe your dick your dick AND your joystick probably both have raw spots shaped like your hand on them. Also, do people still even use joysticks anymore? I’m not a gamer so I don’t know but that seems pretty antiquated, no?

Jesus Christ, that took FOREVER and I’m nowhere near done. I still have 101 more dick euphemisms and then all the vagina ones. In closing, there’s lots more where this came from, but you’ll have to subscribe to see em. Now that I can see the magnitude of this undertaking, I’d say there’s probably a few more installments of this all important definitive deep dive, but those will be subscription only, so if you want to read more about the wonderful language of modern American English dick and vagina euphemisms, you’ll have to subscribe.

Thanks y’all! See ya next time.