Things I Have Invented

"The present is theirs; the future, for which I really worked, is mine."

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I’ve got some ideas. Most of them are very bad, but they are, in fact ideas that I can’t stop thinking about. Some of them have been floating around in my brain forever and some are somewhat newer, but needless to say, we are about to embark on an adventure where you’ll get to bear witness to my conceptual and very theoretical inventions. Think of this as removing the Tesla and then taking a trip through Elon Musk’s mental museum of all his terribly flawed ideas (building tunnels under Miami to decongest the roads comes to mind immediately. For those of you who don’t know why this is an incredibly stupid idea, here’s why: Miami is about 6 feet above sea level at the bottom of a peninsula. The only way that would decrease traffic would be by sinking cars to the bottom of the ocean and drowning people until the roads back up on dry land were once again navigable due to a population decrease. Elon is so fucking dumb that I am half tempted to do an entire entry just on how exactly dumb he is, but I’m not gonna do that today. We’re too far into this already).

So let’s bring on my amazing inventions. To be honest I don’t even care if you steal these inventions of mine. For one thing, they’re all kinda stupid (you’ll see that this is true soon enough). For another, have you ever heard about the guy who invented the Doritos Tacos Locos at Taco Bell? I may have talked about this in this space before but I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna check and see if that’s the case so let’s just throw caution to the wind and talk about it again, eh?

Now, I’m admittedly just half remembering this from an article I read years ago, but from what I recall, the man in question was a middle aged dude who lived in the midwest (or maybe the plains…my gut says it was either Nebraska or a Dakota or Oklahoma) and I BELIEVE he worked for the phone company (or some other similar utility), although those details could be wrong, which is fine because they’re both pretty irrelevant. Just kinda setting the table here, folks. And, if it’s not obvious, I refuse to do even cursory research on this, so here we are.

Anyway, apparently Taco Bell has a hotline where you can call and uh…I don’t know why you’d call the Taco Bell hotline except to make up a story about finding a pigeon cloaca in your burrito supreme or to just troll the shit out of the poor people who work there (which, those are kinda the same thing now that I think about it), but this guy had a mission and he went for it with a lot of gusto.

Again, the human memory is a fallible thing but if I’m not mistaken, this dude called the Taco Bell hotline roughly every day because he had thought of something big and needed to see it exist and it was, as you guessed, the taco that’s got Doritos for a shell.

The legend goes that for YEARS he beseeched them to do this to no avail. Then one day, completely independently, the folks at the Taco Bell test kitchen decided that they should make Dorito shells and partnered with Frito Lay (both subsidiaries of PepsiCo) to bring this horrific vision to life.

Now, I know how this sounds, but have you ever worked in a call center or for a big ass corporate entity? I don’t feel like any of the people answering the phones on the 24 hour Taco Bell hotline gave a SHIT about passing this dude’s innovation on to their higher ups and if they did (they didn’t) there is no way that anyone would have listened to them anyway. I mean, statistically the chances are good that they’re people in India who don’t even know what tacos OR Doritos are. So there’s a part of me that kinda believes the TB test kitchen scientists on this one.

On the other hand, this shit was a revolutionary idea. This is what opened the door for stoner food to truly go mainstream (which, again, if I’m being honest, I used to do some fucking weird shit with my food when I was younger…the parallel pathing that would lead another young stoned person out there who I’ve never met crusting their burger with crumpled Cheetos is something that I think we can all agree is a possibility…).

But still, this motherfucker called EVERY DAY and it’s documented. He ended up with lawyers literally outside his house asking if he wanted to be represented pro bono because he was being jilted out of that Dorito taco gold. And you know what he said?

He said (wild paraphrase here) “I’m just so happy they exist. I don’t care about the money or recognition or anything. I just wanted a Taco Bell taco that had a shell that was made of Doritos.”

Then he died of ass cancer (I think). Whatever. This is the version of the story I know and I’m sticking to it. Go ahead and steal my inventions. I just want them to exist. My heart is pure.

Let’s get to the first one:

house of pies

Some of you in Southern California are undoubtedly thinking “um, there’s already a place called house of pies. Yeah, dipshit. That’s where I got the idea. For those of you who don’t live in the beautiful sprawl surrounding Los Angeles, House of Pies is a place like bakers square, or, since that’s kinda a regional reference too, it’s like a vastly better Denny’s with a serious focus on pies. That’s not what my house of Pies is though.

In my house of pies, everything comes in a pie. You want a reuben? You get a small pie tin with sauerkraut, corned beef, cheese and thousand island inside. You want a hamburger? You get it in pie form. From spaghetti to clams to a peanut butter sandwich, there is literally nothing….NOTHING that wouldn’t be better as a pie. Nothing.

Interestingly, the English figured this out a long time ago without figuring out how to make any food good BEFORE it went into the pie, resulting in fascinating pies that are as bad as the rest of the cuisine of the British isles. I bring this up only because I just feel like someone in the comments….

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…would say “yeah, we’ve been putting out savoury pies forever mate” if I didn’t cut that shit off at the knees. Yeah. I know. But I’m talking about shit that’s not bad tasting.

Anyway…

Welcome to House of Pies, where everything, EVERYTHING is a pie. In fact, the drink cups would be fashioned to look like pie tins (of course they’d be shaped like standard drink cups) and come with a lid that looked like the top crust of a pie. I know what you’re all thinking: “um, this idea is actually really good if you hadn’t said clams up there.”

Fuck it then. We won’t serve clams. I don’t know why I’m saying ‘we’ since I’m not building the house of pies. I don’t even know how to bake. The menu is on you.

Anyway, up next….

congraxination!

This one is a newer idea, but somebody should make congraxination cards and bouquets and uh, I dunno, buffet tables and billboards and shit for all y’all that choose to get vaccinated. If you don’t get it, it’s congratulations and vaccination mashed together like a good set of boobs or something. It’s really just kinda a cute portmanteau that could be very easily monetized for the next year or so by someone who had more energy than I have.

Also, if you don’t get your vaccine, you’re essentially saying that you think a disease that has literaly killed over half a million people in the US alone is something you’d rather get than a shot that’s never killed anyone, and that’s um…it’s a weird thing to think. There are a lot of arguments out there about why you shouldn’t get vaccinated: it tracks you (so does your phone, so get over that shit), that it’s maybe not safe (again, safer than the virus that’s kept us indoors for a year, and safer than breakfast cereals and cocaine and whatever else you ingest), that it causes some kind of neurological disease (there is no evidence whatsoever that this is true) that the whole thing is a hoax (what are you, fucking stupid? Motherfuckers been DYING like crazy out there) that you don’t trust the government (who does? You use money, right? Also government issued. Pretty fucking stupid battle to pick in this case) that you just don’t wanna (eh, that’s how I feel about dying, which is kind of the alternative).

I mean, it’s just…we sat inside for a fucking year, and to undermine this medical marvel that is about to get us out of this is, to put it very lightly, kinda fucking wack, which is why there should be words and gifts and so on for everyone who does the bare minimum and gets the free, quite painless humanity freeing vaccine. To all of you, I say Congraxinations!

chocolate cottage cheese

Oh, man. People hate this idea SOOOOOOO much, but the truth is that it would be good as hell. (Darth Vader voice) Search your feelings. You know it to be true. I’m not even big into sweets, and chocolate is not something I really need around, AND while I loooove cottage cheese, it has to be savory always. You people who put fruit in cottage cheese disgust me. I add salt, I add pepper, I add hot sauce, etc. so this isn’t exactly something in my wheelhouse, at least on paper.

However, what? You think chocolate pudding is gross? Fair enough, but what if it wasn’t the consistency of semen. What if it was more like the admittedly not-for-everyone consistency of cottage cheese? I mean, better than semen at least, right? I suppose that there’s probably semen out there that’s more the consistency of cottage cheese too, which, gross. BUT! If it was chocolate flavored it would at least be a little better, innit?

Anyway, say what you want about this idea, but you would try it and you would end up liking it. You heard it here first. it’s a zillion dollar industry just waiting to happen, unlike...

banannaise

Yes everyone, banana flavored mayonnaise. This was invented in a contest we were having on a long van ride where we were tasked with coming up with the grossest possible thing. This was my entry. Did it win? I no longer remember, but it’s got a snappy name and if miracle whip can exist and any number of Ozark and Appalachian adjacent people continue to mix fruit and mayo like they do, there’s probably more here, consumer excitement wise, than any of us would care to admit.

Do I think banannaise is gross? Oh god yes. Do I think I’d be revolted by how many people buy it? Again, mercy heaven, for sure.

Unlike everything else on this list, I don’t want to live in a world where this exists, just to be clear. This is just an invention run down. That is all. Let’s move on. This one is truly gross. The next one however, is great. It’s called…

the “whew, I’m dead but it’s fine” app

Okay, here’s the deal, you’ve been up to no good on your phone. Maybe you’ve got a secret second family or you’re cheating on your taxes or you’re insider trading or sending weird threats to people for fun or maybe you’re just looking up depraved ass shit on the internet. Everyone has been there, and….well I was gonna say there’s no shame in that, but there’s lots of shame involved in any of these and myriad other things that people don’t want other people to see that they’ve been doing on their phones, even if it’s just stalking your old boyfriend on Instagram or something.

That’s all good til you die and then, BLAMMO, that shit all comes out and you’re shamed in death like some kind of serial killer or something. That’s why the “whew. I’m dead but it’s fine” app (needs a snappier name…uh DeathWhew or something?) is an app you download along with someone you trust who isn’t immediately around you all the time, as that would defeat the purpose. The idea is that each of you have one opportunity to completely and immediately remotely wipe the other’s phone in the event of their death, thereby leaving them with no google history whatsoever.

Now this becomes a problem if your trusted person is a dick, because they can and will just wipe your phone as a gag, and a crucial component of the app would be that nothing could ever be restored, so you’d be fucked, and they would just laugh their dicks off at this move. But you should probably get some better friends (particularly for your one and only trusted DeathWhew partner) than that guy, (only guys would do this to someone) anyway.

I was gonna sign off, but I just remembered that last night I was on my good buddy Sean Nader’s podcast and we had to each pitch ten fictional shows. One of my pitches will be below, then I’ll be done with this nonsense. I recommend listening to the whole episode, as there is a lot of gold in them hills. To be clear, this is me pitching a show that I think would be spectacularly popular (I would, however, not watch it):

Shit Chef

You think you have what it takes to go up against some of the best chefs in the country? In this new cooking contest we take some of the best chefs from around the world and have them face off but with a twist: every dish has to have human feces in it. Cooking shows will never be the same.

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