A thoughtful essay on recent events

“You know, a town with money is a little like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it.”

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This is what happens when you convince enough people that being stupid and violent is absolutely as good for society as striving for knowledge, humanity and grace.

I mean. that shit was wild, right? For those of you who missed it, the literally stupidest and/or most revolting elements of society, including braindead hicks, dumbfuck “distrusters of the media” (who somehow believe lock, stock and barrel everything our president says as though that’s somehow LESS naive), literal nazis, pathetic turds in pathetic white supremacist organizations that don’t even have the balls to admit that they’e nazis, Q anon people, drunk pickup truck drivers who just got caught up in the whole thing and a guy that looked like a riot cop from Hogwarts stormed the capitol (yes, the US capitol) seemingly led by an out of work actor from Arizona (who moonlights as a dipshit shaman and almost certainly owns a lizard) dressed up like some kind of daytime soap opera Attila the Hun by way of a goodwill fake fur sale. It was a real fucking scene, man. 

Of course, there’s no way that even this highly trained, handpicked assortment of specialists could ever hope to penetrate one of the most fortified buildings in the entire world without a little help from an inside man (I’ve seen Oceans 11), so luckily for them, the whole fucking police unit that was standing guard was more than happy to pose for selfies with the invading mob of dildos, wave them in, open the gates, and so forth. 

I have mentioned in this space before that I don’t like the cops (and as much as I would LOVE to see the whole thing torn down, um, not by these particular people), and this really didn’t help my opinion of them. This tweet may sum it up best:

So, then what happened? These fucking dinguses get inside and um...well, huh (picks nose) “What do we do now, Merle?” (Kent Brockman voice) I’ll tell you what you’ll do, Cousin Buford, you’ll take selfies, you’ll take a shit in a toilet and brag to reporters that you didn’t flush it, you’ll tear a chinese scroll (?), and you’ll smoke cigarettes inside.”

Cool. Nice revolution. You fucking Skoal dicks had the KEYS TO THE CASTLE and this is how you squandered it? Perfect. It really sums up the last four years. You finally get what you want and it turns out that all you really want is to ruin things, do racism and look cool. It’s very Trumpian in that way. In fact, if that’s not enough, a woman was literally trampled to death while holding a don’t tread on me flag. I mean, folks....if you wrote this shit, your editor would be like “um, no. That’s a little too on the nose. Try it again.” But yeah, this mass vomiting of idiotic patriot bile was all done on behalf of one Donald J Trump.

And Trump loved it. And said so. And then...HE CAVED. Can you imagine using all your Jiffy Lube money to take a bus out to DC to commit a federal crime, break into the capitol, smoke a cigarette and suddenly be a wanted fugitive that can’t go home but also can’t stay here, to paraphrase the words of many a bouncer and doorman? And for WHAT? 

So your Dear Leader can come out and STAB YOU IN THE BACK! So he can condemn you in the wimpiest possible way, supplicant to the reality setting in on him that he too committed sedition and treason (both punishable by the death penalty) for his role in your fun little Risky Business style romp through the hallowed halls of democracy. 

Suddenly, he’s exposing himself as the coward half the country (and most of the world) always knew he was, and there you are, in a flophouse in Virginia, abandoned by the only god you’ve ever cared about, scared, smelling like shit, full to the tits with COVID 19, and very very probably about to spend a long time in jail. Cool. Very nicely executed (no pun intended).

This whole thing reeks to me of getting wasted the night before your wedding and saying fuck it and banging a couple of groomsmen in front of the entire wedding party: Seemed fun at the time, but man, it was a poorly thought out plan and it’s gonna be a pretty painful realization to wake up and realize that you’ve just straight up fucked yourself as well. Although, to be fair, at least if you fuck yourself out of your nuptials with help from a few groomsmen you only end up with herpes and an angry, humiliated ex fiancé. The breaking into the capitol thing seems like it has worse consequences, as I suppose it should.

And I gotta be honest, I love it. A bunch of dumb fuck cowards and morons pulling out their dicks to expose themselves as the craven imbeciles they are, and now they can’t even argue back. “You’re morons,” I’ll say. “Um….yes. That does seem like the case” is literally the only answer that they can give. 

Speaking of, this tweet was pretty good too.

Here’s what else I like, or maybe hate: you just KNOW that someone conceived a child in there. There’s just no way you break into the capitol and don’t fuck in there if you have the chance. I’m sure lines were done off toilet tanks and weed was smoked (and to be perfectly clear, that’s all absolutely fine with me), and there’s just...there’s always a baby. There’s a woodstock baby, there’s a baby that comes out of almost every wedding night and it’s just so so funny to me to imagine how fucking cursed that little gremlin shit baby is gonna be. What are the options for this baby’s name? Let’s speculate:

  • America

  • Donald

  • Justus

  • Freedom

  • Connie (short for confederacy)

  • Capital (can’t possibly be spelled right)

  • Merle

  • Melania

  • Cousin Buford

  • Santorum

  • (series of grunts)

  • Pelosi’s Broom Closet

I’m sure you have some better thoughts than I do. I’m just kinda spitballing here, folks

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Anyway, here we are. What got accomplished? Well, I’ll tell you: Something that all the snark like that which you’ve just read has been unable to achieve over the course of the last 4 years. The president has been identified by supporters and opponents alike as a capitulating coward and his dicksniffing fanbase have been exposed as very dangerous and stupid even to themselves. And what did we lose? The clean smell in Nancy Pelosi’s office? A chinese scroll? 

Boo fucking hoo. Hahahaha you fucking dorks. Fuck you, fuck your dumb president, fuck your shaman, fuck your too late realization that you did something incredibly stupid for literally NO good reason. Your ideology is as hollow as your heads you racist assnecks. 

Oh, and to reiterate, I don’t give a SHIT about the capitol. You did it all for nothing. Must feel pretty awful.

Seriously though, get fucked. 


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